February 20, 2008
Q. Dear Joe,
Why is it that sometimes my date tells me he "wants" to kiss me, but when I try, he rejects me? Please help me! You're my only hope!
Love and kisses,
Sad and Rejected Sim
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Q. Dear Joe,
Once upon a time you used to come and see me. I miss the woohoos.
signed,
a rejected Bella Goth
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Why do you never come and see me anymore? Why do you never call? After all the good times we shared, all the love and romance, and especially the children I gave you, and the promises of a life together...do they mean nothing to you? What was I, just another notch on your bedpost???
Brokenhearted and Depressed,
I quit.
Joe
We sims are a miserably confused little species. Sometimes our hearts think we want something and our heads just say no. Many of us have emotional issues. Many of us
have commitment issues. Most of us have hack conflicts. If I were you, I would try busting a few moves on him first. Perfect prelude to a kiss right there. Get that
daily up, get that lifetime up, and get that crammyboy mesh in its upright position, locked and loaded, and you are good to go.
Joe
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...hmmmmmmmmmmm.......
Joe
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...hmmmmmmmmmmm.......
Joe
Brandi Broke
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A. Dear everyone,
Q. Whaaat?! You never even started!
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A. Dear sad and rejected,
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A. Dear Rejected Bella Goth,
well, you see it's like this: errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
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A. Dear Broken and Depressed Brandi Broke,
well, you see it's like this: errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Q. Dear Joe,
When my hubbie and I woohoo, we have a good time, but he just rolls over and goes to sleep afterwards! I want to cuddle. Why does he do this?
Sadly yours,
Let the man sleep. Jeez.
Joe
Needing affection
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A. Dear needing affection,
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Q. Dear Joe,
I just found my husband kissing our maid, and he says he can't help himself because he's a Romance sim. What does that mean? He also says his Sim goddess makes him do stuff and he has no choice. I don't buy that. What do you think?
Sincerely,
Mary-Sue
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A. Dear Mary Sue,
Please tell Daniel to leave me alone. Or to at least leave the sports pages behind.
Joe
Ugh. Fine.
A. Dear Mary Sue,
Romance sims cannot be held responsible for sleeping with the maid.
Joe
Apparently Val does not like how I'm approaching this question.
A. Dear Mary Sue,
A romance sim has...special needs. About 30 or so, and they all have to be fulfilled by different sims. So it is important to understand that your husband is only doing what is necessary to avoid that lonely dance with the mop. As much as I hate to admit it, Daniel is correct.
edit to add:
I hate Daniel. He screwed my second wife. I don't care about his "special needs" any more than you do. Kick him to the curb.
Joe
Q. Dear Joe,
Was it really necessary for you to make out with my wife?
signed, your sad and confused son,
Josh
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A. Dear Josh,
I deeply regret what I have done. But, once the Romance Mod is updated, you will not care about that anymore, my son.
Dad
Q. Hello. My name is Ovrlee Keen and I am a Knowledge Sim at Uni. I recently found myself mysteriously moved into another dorm, wherein I encountered a lovely lady with 3 bolts of lightning flashing on top of her head. She came up to me and Flirted Suggestively, which I found extremely intriguing considering we had only just met, and after answering a quick question from the young lady related to our shared major of Biology, I hastened to the bookcase to research romantic interactions.
A little later, inspired by what had occurred and what I had read, I decided to try a bit of the old Sweet Talk. To my immense disappointment and surprise, the young lady pushed me away and our relationship dropped a whole third, from 15/0 to 10/0. Although devastated, I told her how much I admired her and back we went to 15/0. She then proceeded to sweet-talk me! I responded positively, but before I could continue the exchange, she disappeared into the bathroom.
Joe, in your infinite wisdom and with all your years of experience, do you think this young lady is serious in her intentions, or just stringing me along? How come she rejected my 15/0 sweet-talking, but offered her own 15/0 sweet-talking? Is it OK for ladies to sweet-talk at 15, but men have to wait until 20 or something? I graduate soon and she still has more than half her studies left to complete - do you think I should wait for her? It may help if I add that I am really turned-on by her glasses and her little pink hat.
Oh, I am also very upset at the moment because when I mysteriously appeared in this other dorm, I discovered that I had left my bed behind. This bed came from my home, I had been sleeping in it since I was a little boy. My parents died just before I left for Uni and my bed reminded me of them because they used to tuck
me into it. It was blue with little coloured stars all over it and I don't like my new one, it's a horrible dirty brown colour with blue spots on. Do you think I should start a mission to get my old bed back, or should I perhaps be thinking about double beds now? I am
so confused.
And Joe, please don't tell me I talk too much because I already know this.
signed,
Overly Keen
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A. Dear Ovrlee
Keen,
Yes.
Joe
Damn. Val said I "didn't put enough effort" into that last answer. This is not easy, you know. I'm just supposed to be nice to look at...
A. Dear Ovrlee Keen,
Yes.
Joe
Poot dat aweh. Fo shee say!
Pardon my simlish. Did I not just answer this? Twice??? I typed it louder the second time. Sheesh.
Dear Ovrlee Keen blablabla,
Always keep in mind that a "sweet talk" is much bolder that a "suggestive flirt". You may have been moving a bit too quickly for this confused chickadee. Bust a move (hope you have some dancing skill for this) and get that DR back up. I wouldn't try sweet talking until I was close to 50 with this one. She sounds like she may be a bit on the shy side. Or lacking a few playful points. Slow it down, and see how she responds.
Joe
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Q. Dear Joe ,
I have a Dilemma recently My Brother was visiting my house Just after I married Brad and your old flame Brandi was there at my house as well.anyhow My brother gave Brandi a quick peck on the Cheek .....which quickly turned to more and I am deeply distressed. Fortunately Brad nipped my brother's heel and reminded him that he is married. My relationship with your old flame is now -79/-19 should I forgive Brandi as my husband suggests? or leave things the way they are?
signed your distressed daughter
Shellie
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A. My Dearest
Daughter Shellie,
Which brother did this, sweetie? I'm most likely
his father.
Dad
Q. you indeed are his father.it was my brother Justin
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A. Dearest
Daughter Shellie
I think you may need a break from the hair bleach. *Of course* any brother of yours is my son.
I have signed you up for "Sarcasm 101: You reeeeally don't need this class" at the local community college. Sim U doesn't seem to be working out for you.
I love you anyway, blondness,
Winks and hugs,
Dad
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Q. Dear Joe,
I have no time for the class as I have twin daughters with My hubby Brad and I also work
Love your Daughter Shellie
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A. Dearest
Daughter Shellie,
How was I supposed to know you have kids? You're
married to a guy name Brad, now?
What about Tanner?!
Nobody tells me anything. Have your mother give me
a call.
Love, Dad
Q. Dear Joe, When you shipped me off to Miss Bangel you failed to ship Tanner so therefore I divorced him on the grounds of Desertion , The gypsy Matchmaker Introduced me to Brad Harper and it was love at first sight. we married and have beautiul twins Melinda and Melissa. hmmm as for Mom you failed to ship her as well so I no longer see her. the only ones Lucky enough to have their Mom's here are Justin,Colleen and Samantha, and Jacob and Josh. even if their Mom is that pukehead Brandi Broke
your loving Daughter and Mom-to-be again
Shellie
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A. Dear
Shellie,
Go to your room. This is an advice column, not a
request thread.
Love, Dad
Q. Dear Joe, I was doing what I do best, up-arm
kissing my lovely maid, Lucy, when my very
handsome gardener came over, slapped me senseless, and
dumped the watering can on my head.
Should I make him pay for my new man-perm, and should I leave Lucy for that hot pizza-delivery girl?
Slick Jaques
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A. Dear Slick
Jacques,
I make it a rule to never pay for my own man-perm.
Lucy. Hanby, I suppose? Please. Have you tried
Kaylynn? That is one foxy babe, right there.
Joe
Q. Well, if i ever get tired of woohooing Lucy, I'll hire Kaylynn. I'll just miss Lucy's hospital corners...
--Slick Jaques
P.S. Do you know if Remmington is available?
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A. Dear Slick
Jacques,
With Kaylynn there will never be a *need* for
hospital corners, ya know what I'm sayin'?
Remington, huh? Last I heard, he was dating
Alexander Goth.
Joe
Q. Dear Joe,
I'm still waiting for advice on the pukehead Ms.Brandi Broke
Signed
a frustrated Shellie
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A. Dearest
Daughter Shellie,
You should never talk about your mother that way.
Oh, wait. She's not your mother. You're one of
Jennie's. That's right...
Eh. Forgive and forget, I'd say. You know how that
Justin is... I just sincerely hope he doesn't screw
around on his amazingly awesome, sexy and hot wife, Val. Then I may have to have a little chat with him. In your game of
course.
Love,
Dad
Q. Dear Joe,
We have a Unique problem in our house concerning our father and our wives. it seems that if we errantly go to work ,or take Kids to school or anything else that takes us away from home,our Father tries to make out with our wives! we are at our wits end with this situation we love Dad but we don't want to share our wives with him.
How can we make him understand that this is very distressing, without causing a huge family rift?
Signed Frustrated Husbands
Josh,Jamie, and Justin
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A. Dear Josh,
Jamie and Justin,
You sound awfully familiar. Do I know you?
Dad
I MEAN
Joe
Q. Dear Joe ,
yes you do know us well after all you changed our Diapers years ago. now back to the problem at hand.Advice Please
signed
Josh,Jamie.and Justin
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A. Dear Josh,
Jamie, and Justin,
You, like your sister, obviously did not inherit
the Bayfield sarcasm gene...
Yes. I am your father.
As I said to Josh, once the Romance Mod is updated,
you will be back to your old bed-hopping ways,
yourselves. What's wrong with you guys, anyway? You're romance sims! Did I not teach you well enough? Do I need to have the
"romance sim talk" with you guys again that I gave
you when you were newly-transitioned teens? I
suppose you've forgotten our Secret Handshake, too.
I must say, I'm a little disappointed. Come back to
the dark side.
My apologies, Jamie. I forgot you've switched
aspirations. Uh...there is no secret romance sim
club. Nope. None at all. What handshake???
Dad
Q. Dear Joe,
when you gave us the little "Romance Talk" you failed to mention that you intended to "charm" our future wives and worse yet use our beds to do so. are we to assume by this that its perfectly alright now if Justin heads off to Brandi's house and "charms" her into the bedroom or if Josh heads to Bella's house and "charms" his way into her "bedroom? you always told us that your ladies were off limits to us yet you think its perfectly alright for you "charm" Val,Maria,and Rainbow?
signed
an irritated Jamie
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A. Dear Jamie,
Do as I say, and not as I do?
Dad
Q. Dear Joe,
since my wife rejected you .you sure have a bad attitude as for Justin and Josh I don't control them so you'll have to work it out with them as they have vowed to go after your Ladie's just to show you what it feels like.
signed
fair warning, Jamie
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A. Dear
everyone,
Is it just me, or is this moving in an
uncomfortable direction?
Joe
Q. Dear Joe,
it's Just you
signed,
BMOC Jory
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A. Dear BMOC,
Present company excluded, of course.
I have no control of, nor do I hold any
responsibility, whatsoever, for what my "clones"
and my family's clones do. My real kids and I are great buddies. And I've not done anything of this nature to them.
Go kick your fake Joe's ass if it makes you feel
better. Just remember, I won't feel a thing.
Joe
Q. Dear Joe ,
Not to worry in spite of the present issue your clone Maintains a 100/100 relationship with all of his family members including daughter in laws ,grandkids, and children and with 7 kids and 6 in laws and 17 grand children thats quite a feat
signed
BMOC Jory
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Q. Hello, Ovrlee Keen here again. I wish to make a complaint to the person running this column. It seems to me that to get any decent advice one has to be related to this Joe person. While he may have offspring all over the place, I know that I am not related to him. I am the son of two Knowledge Sims, Jolly and Catriona Keen (nee Gothier) and they were both Mad Scientists. My father actually created my mother from a Tombstone of Life and Death. Yes, you heard me right. I will be a Mad Scientist myself one day and who knows what I may be tempted to do.
Anyway, I just wanted to point out that where I come from, to Flirt Suggestively is quite a serious thing, whereas sweet-talking is quite mild. Suggestive flirting surely means hinting at bedroom activities, whereas sweet-talking is nothing more than complimenting the girl on her new hair-do. If it is different to this, I am either much older than I thought or more transatlantically-challenged than I thought. Or both. Probably the latter.
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A. Dear Ovrlee
Keen,
I apologize for my family clones Okay. Well, you're obviously not of the maxian
sensibility that a "suggestive flirt" is actually
safer than "sweet talking". It doesn't make sense to me, either. And it
could be that I have that backwards. I don't like
to spend much time on the lower level flirtations,
as they tend to make me yawn. And yawning isn't very becoming of me.
By all means, if you wish to rebel against the
maxian notion that sweet talking is the more
dangerous of the two, then go for it. I would most definitely wait
before caressing her, though. That is the real
test, right there.
Good luck,ganging up on me getting the most attention. However, I can only respond to those who
have actually written me. I have responded to you
three times, you know. Val made me. She stands over me with a whip. Like she's doing now....
Joe
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Q. oh dear...
they're all great, but this was the one that knocked me off my chair...:
"Dear Joe,
was it really necessary for you to make out with my wife?
signed
your sad and confused
Son, Josh"
Zeljka
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A. Dear Zeljka,
"Necromancy is bad, m'kay?"
Joe
*Val whacks
Joe upside the head*
Dear Zeljka,
I would like to apologize for my previous
statement.
Joe
Q. Dear Joe,
How do you get a woman to Woohoo with you? How many women have you gotten to woohoo wtih you, if I may ask? I have a goal of Woohooing with 20 sims before I turn into an elder, and I really don't want to resort to being homosexual, so it's going to have to be 20 different female sims.
Thanks, Joe, you rock man!
Lusty Lover
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A. Dear Lusty
Lover,
I have had 43. Justin's beaten me by 5, so he may
really be the one to ask! Of course he started a
lot earlier than I did, considering I didn't even have my first kiss with Miss Brandi until I was an adult, if you can
believe that.
If you're not willing to swing in the other
direction, save homosexuality for use as a last
resort. I have never had to go there, but my preference is also firmly established. However, if you are willing to
experiment, it will increase your odds!
All you can do, my friend, is charm her over and
over again. If you're confident enough, and she
responds well, kick it up a notch with a suggestive flirt and climb your way up the social ladder. Backrubs and
break-dancing help immensely. I cannot stress
enough the value of busting a move.
Good luck my friend,
Joe
A. Hello, Ovrlee Keen here. Joe doesn't seem too good at this Dear Abby lark, so I thought I'd help out. I'm a Knowledge Sim with Mad Scientist parents (dead ones, unfortunately) so I think I'm well-qualified. Well, sort of.
There are several ways to do this. You can start a Woo-Hoo Boys & Girls bordello in your neighbourhood and visit it regularly, or you can get your own woo-hoo booth and do it all at home, or you can use TwoJeffs' Casual Romance hack and grab passing Romance Sims (they'll usually oblige straightaway), or best of all you can use one of LizzLove's woo-hoo beds set to "Swinger" and absolutely anybody in the entire neighbourhood will do it with you.
Alternatively, you can realise the error of your ways and decide to change your aspiration to Knowledge. Should you choose this route (and I know you will, when you realise how much healthier it is), I will gladly talk to you again about exciting things like telescopes, chess sets and the curing of viruses. I am looking forward to it already. May I also say that you perhaps need to slightly lower your sense of self- importance? This may not be endearing you to the ladies. I say this because you have seen fit to start a new thread for your problem, when there was a perfectly good one already started. Now, please don't cry in the corner because I've pointed this out, or throw a water-balloon at me (depending on your Nice points), because someone had to mention it.
I sincerely hope I have been of assistance to you.
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Q. 
Ancient ("Ovrlee Keen")
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A. Dear
Ancient,
You *should* blush! Here I was replying yet again
to Ovrlee in the old thread, which is why I could not reply to this one before you did.
You're lucky I am a playful sim.
Joe
P.S. So, what are you into? What's your sign? Turn
ons? Turn offs? Can I buy you a drink?
Q. Dear Joe,
I am a Fat,Ugly,Romance Sim who is also an elder
and I wear dorky glasses, while
I'm making friends
I'm not having a bit of luck with the ladies. any advice to pick
up my Romantic life?
Signed
Lonely in Romance
City
Ray
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A. Dear Lonely
Ray,
You need to find a woman who does not have fitness
as a turn on or fatness as a Bingo. No, that's it. Bingo! Find yourself a nice
Bingo parlor full of old, fat, near-blind sims.
Should be just the ticket for you.
Joe
turn off. Glasses,
dorky or not, are all the same in the eyes of a sim. Of course,
sims are a bit dense, and think earrings also look the
same as glasses. My son Josh was forever poking
himself in the eye trying to put in his earring, but nevermind that. It would be helpful to find someone
who likes glasses, at any rate.
Q. Dear Joe,
My name is Don and unlike My neighbor Ray I'm not Fat and I dont wear glasses nor am I old. but nonetheless Im a lonely Romance sim in a bit of a Dilemma. Word has it that you have a great Romantic Life while Having a bunch of kids.I adopted twins that somehow appeared on My Back Porch while I was baking a Lemon Pie. they are Just babies so I didnt have the heart to turn them away how can I pick up my Romance with the ladies and still maintain these 2 babies?
signed
lonely Daddy Don
Lothario
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A. Dear
*snicker* Don,
So they just *kmph!* appeared and now you have
kids, huh? Whatever *giggle* will you do?
Okay. *snort* Here's what you do. *chortle*
Okay okay okay. For real now. *ha!*
All right, I don't know. You're *heh heh* on your
own, pal. *roffle*
Joe
P.S. Nanny. Hire a nanny. *ah ha ha ha ha ha!* My sides hurt.
Q. Dear Joe,
I have a unique problem My ex wife and I divorced when our now toddler was a newborn. however I still love my ex wife deeply and had hoped to get back together with her.
the problem I have is that my ex wife remarried some new Sim in the neighborhood Allesandro Gupta and my Mom Brandi informed me that not only did Honey remarry but that Honey is now pregnant with twins, should I forget about Honey or stay single hoping that her new marriage will also fall apart? or should I start looking for some one else?
signed
a brokenhearted and
bereft Jacob
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A. Dear Jacob,
Drop her. Not only does she apparently have the
hots for your sister, she'll soon have twins. I
don't go for that kind of package deal unless the sim in question has not slept with my sister.
Dad
I MEAN
Joe
Q. Dear Joe,
I am a male Knowledge sim who recently moved to the neighborhood . I met this lovely female Knowledge sim Simone Ancient at the neghborhood welcome wagon and fell head over heels in love with her. we had our first date where I proposed an engagement and she said yes.
anyhoo my question is this how do you feel about long engagements? Simone feels we should have a long engage ment and I just want to get married to her right away.
signed
unsure in Romance
city
Scott Trepie
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A. Dear Scott
Trepie,
I'm all for long engagements. Haven't had any long
engagements, myself, but I often find myself
wishing I'd put marriage off just a tiny bit longer. That's happened with all of my marriages. But I am a romance
sim, and I will always be second-guessing any
commitments I make. My son Josh has been engaged to his fiancee for quite some time now. And he is a
romance sim, so he's being wise, in my opinion.
My sons Jacob and Jamie (popularity and pleasure)
are also engaged to very lovely ladies, but I'm
wondering if they'll ever get around to tying the proverbial knots. Both of their engagements have gone
on since last winter.
You're a knowledge sim, however, so any decision
you make will naturally be smarter that any
decision I would make. So go with whatever makes you happy.
Joe
Q. Dear Joe,
I have to ask you a dumb question Do you Like the Far Star Telescope? I had such an awesome time on our first date last night that I just had to give you a gift. you will find this gift on your porch.........
Signed
your Dream Date
Kaylynn Langerak
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A. Dear Dream
Date Kaylynn Langerak,
Well, yeah. Sure. That's great. A telescope.
Hmmmmm...
*ponders
romantic possibilities of a telescope*
Ah! I get it! For spying on neighbors undressing!
My, my, my, you kinky girl...I didn't realize you
were such a voyeur! *wink*
Joe
Q. Dear Joe,
I'm not feeling creative enough to be creative with my questions. That last sentence being a perfect example. I'm also feeling overwhelmed when trying to wade through other Sim forums so I hope you can help me here:
1) If I wanted to e-mail Val, would I use the e-mail in her profile [at CJ]? All my addies are gone with my laptop but that one seems different from the one I used to have. Then again, I might be hallucinating.
2) What's the matter with that confounded Maxis DJ booth? Everytime a sim gets a want to be a DJ, there's some jumping and apparently it's so severe that it knocks the booth right out of use for the rest of the night. Am I doing something wrong? Is there a fix?
3) Is it true that I cannot build a door directly between a sim garage and a house? It seems about typical - silly Maxis - but I'm not overjoyed about walking around the entire house to get into the garage. Tell me I'm missing something here.
4) Vampires: Will I know they're vampires just by looking at them? Where should I be looking? I didn't think I'd like that aspect of the game but my mood of today is ready to go out n' bite someone.
I know there was more but they've slipped my memory at the moment. I also know that I could search another forum for answers but I've got the attention span of a gnat right now.
Thanks muchly,
~That other
Brynne girl.
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*Joe takes deep breath*
A. Dear
other Brynne girl,
1. Val can be reached at
joebayfield@acuppajoe.net
2. The DJ booth rocks! I personally have never
experienced the "jumping" you described. The only
"jumping" I've seen is the frenetic dance moves used by the DJ, even during slow songs.
3. My son, Justin, and his most lovely wife are
currently living in a house that has the garage
attached directly to the house, and it is accessible through the living room.
4. I don't know a whole lot about the vamps, as
they still give me the willies. But, yes, I do
believe they have a distinct bluish look about them.
Joe
Q. Dear Joe,
What do you have against Pao? He's hot!
Angry Pao-Lover (P.S. this is posted on behalf of a friend of mine...who really does think Pao is hot)
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A. Dear Angry
Pao Lover,
I'm sure Pao has a "very nice personality".
Joe
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